“Preface your remark with a clear statement that you value your friendship, but you have information that, if true, your friend should know,” Zangara advises.ĭon’t say: “I can’t believe your adult child is living with you!” In a case like this, you have to be careful about the way you phrase your concern. Here’s why: “Criticizing a person’s romantic partner is always risky,” warns Nicole Zangara, a therapist in Arizona and author of " Surviving Female Friendships: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly." “When you say your friend’s partner is a loser, you’re implying that, by extension, she is, too.”Įxception to the rule: You have true concerns about your friend’s girlfriend or boyfriend based on something concrete you have observed or a “fact” you have heard (such as the new girlfriend has been previously married and your friend doesn’t seem to know).
Be sure, however, that your friend doesn’t have an emotional investment in always being right about the plot line.ĭon’t say: “I hate to say this, but everyone thinks that guy you’re dating is a loser.” “You may think you’re being supportive, but you’re really rubbing it in,” she adds.Įxception to the rule: If you and your friend are in the middle of a good laugh - for instance, you are watching a TV sitcom or movie and you predict something will happen, and it does! - “I told you so” can be part of the fun. Here’s why: No matter how right you were, these four words nearly always will be experienced as criticism, says Elaine Zelley, associate professor of communications at LaSalle University in Philadephia, Pa. Here are a few clues about words that we should almost never utter, no matter how close we think we are to a person:
Even the people we’ve known forever or gone through so much with don’t want to hear some of the things that go through our mind.
There’s this myth that we can completely be ourselves with close friends, that we can say anything to those with whom we share so much.
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